WHOA MY GOSH!
WHOA MY GOSH!!!!!
You are ugly.
YOU are FREAKIN' ugly!
How on earth can you go out in public looking like that? Don't you feel ashamed? JEEZE!
I know just the solution for you, however.
I just so happen to be a marketing executive for a product called Whoa, my Gosh, You're So PRETTY and/or HANDSOME! Yes. That's the name of the product. I know its a strange name. But nonetheless.
It's the ultimate beauty product. Here's how it works.
You mail us a photograph of yourself, along with 400 dollars. And, out of the kindness of our hearts, we'll take that picture you mailed us, and we'll digitally eliminate all of the flaws in it! Are you a sad old man? Well mail us a picture of your horrifically shriveled face and we'll make you look 24 again!
That's right! And for an additional 300 dollars, we'll mail you back five, that's right, FIVE copies of your beautiful new face. So now, all you have to do is tape, staple, or glue this photograph of a more attractive face to your currently flawed one.
Instead of wondering why you're so ugly, people will be wondering why the hell you're walking around with paper attached to your head? And you know what you can tell them? ...because I don't.
But anyway, call 1-800-THIS-IS-A-SCAM-WITH-AN-IMPOSSIBLY-LONG-PHONE-NUMBER and we'll get started on creating a beautiful new face for you to wear out in public. Call within the next five minutes, and we'll send you a complementary bowl in which to store your tears!!!!!!!!