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|The Second Battle For Sesame Street|
Troops ready for battle
|Conflict: Battles of Sesame Street|
|Place: The World|
|Outcome: 42th Totally Awesome Brigade won|
|The World||Sesame Street|
|Some Canadian bloke||General Cookie Monster|
|Big tanks||Bouncing bombs|
The Battle for Sesame Street
“Where am I? And what the hellk are you doing to my... Is that a chicken up there?”
~ Woodrow Wilsonon the Second Battle of Sesame Street
The Beginning of the End of the Battle for Sesame StreetEdit
Results! Why, man, here's the resultsEdit
Elmo then came back from a vacation in Happy-Land (where he belongs), found the letter 5 dead in his bed, and cremated the son of a bitch. When he went to throw the ashes out of the window, he noticed that Sesame Street was occupied by non-puppets, and flying a French flag. Elmo then hid behind Oprah.
Since Elmo is the biggest dumbass on television (save Alan Alda), he thought that his French toast was done, so he emptied the toaster out. There was a smartly-placed grenade in the toaster. No more French flags will ever fly over Sesame Street, because the grenade blew up France.
Then the real fighting began. With Brig. General Cookie Monster leading the English asswipes, Capt. Grover Cleveland (who would later become President) leading the Americans douches, and Napoleon leading the French bastards, this war was a pitched battle in the making.
The French attacked first, heading west down Sesame Street, capturing several buildings along the north side of the street. Then Capt. Cleveland sent out the Rough Riders, lead by Lt. Col. Big Bird, who massacred the central French division, except Napoleon, who by battle's end had been wounded 42 times. The English then sprung into action, the ground troops mercilessly killing the Americans and French, whilst their snipers picked off several American generals from their vantage point upon Elmo's apartment.
Then, out of nowhere, thousands of Native American troops, led by Chief Sitting Snuffy, shot arrows at the English, driving them off. The English promptly retreated. Then the Engrish came into the battle, on the side of the Americans, killing the left central flank of the French, before Napoleon himself stabbed Engrish Genereal Cookie Monster in the heart, followed by the Engrish retreat. Chief Sitting Snuffy then turned on the Americans and sided with the French.
Then, out of the blue, the Canadians appeared, led by their council of elected officials: Dan Akryoyd, John Candy, John Belushi, Pamela Anderson, and Terrance and Phillip. All six officials were killed by a nuke launched by the remaining combined English and Engrish troops, which made the Canadians join forces with the Americans.
The Canadians appointed General Paul O'Malley, a Sicilian-Irishman, as their commander, which pissed the Irish off, and the IRA (Irish Republican Army) allied with the French. Just as things were getting boring, the Canadians eliminated the Irish with a single atom bomb, while the 87th Underground Division of the Americans, led by
General Giovanni Lombardi, tunnelled under the French, killing most of them. The remaining French retreated, but the battle was not yet over.
The Eleventyth Retarded Division, led by Kory Howe, Corey Jefko and You, committed suicide in the middle of Sesame Street, having absolutely no effect on the battle whatsoever. After that, the 59th Division of Home Run-Hitters, led by Generals Jim Thome, Joe Crede, Frank Thomas, and Alex Rodriguez, led a daring raid for the Muppets, capturing Wanker's Corner, Oregon, and then Bert and Ernie's house, killing both and preventing their child Dick Cheney from ever being born. For these efforts, they are still honored on Sesame Street to this day, and a statue of Thome stands on the very spot on which he raised the Sesame flag, near Mr. Hooper's store.
Then, the 42nd Totally Awesome Brigade, on the side of the Americans, led by Generals Blake Kopach, Brad Taylor, Paul Konerko, John Philip Sousa, Phyuck Yiu, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, blew up most of Sesame Street, killed Cookie Monster and Elmo J. Hitler, and sent Chief Snuffy's soldiers to Wounded Knee, South Dakota, where Big Bird finished them off. Gen. Mozart single-handedly killed Napoleon Dynamite, who had joined the Canadians after the French retreated against his orders yet again (some pussies they were], and buried the sick bastard under Sesame Street.
The battle was over. But millions of American and Canadian casualties and billions of English, Engrish and French troops lay dead, dying, wounded, captured, or MIA throughout Sesame Street, Nebraska, Madagascar, Monaco, Vienna and Jupiter. The effect of world history was catastrophic.
Subsequently, Sesame Street's ratings plummeted, and led to its cancellation 12345678987654321 years later, after Ty Warner conquered Idaho.
Sir 5's ashes now rest in repose in Westminster Abbey.