Hello young baby, welcome to planet earth. You were probably more comfortable inside the moist cavern from whence you came (not to get heavy-handed), but you'll learn to be comfortable here as well.

I shall teach you the ways of the world. Ignore my stench.

This, young baby, is a car. It's a 2000 pound vehicle that earthlings travel about in. It has soft parts. Soft parts for soft people. NOt to get too heavyhanded or anything, but I'm just sayin.

You have hands, two of them, which you will use to throw frisbees when you're in childhood. You'll use them primarily to pay bills once you get to be a grown-up. You will make photocopies of yourself to distribute at the rally.

This is a calculator, young baby. It's a small computer that is more intelligent than roughly 80% of the human race, not including your small self, of course. Now observe. These are flowers. You use them for happy.

This is diet coke. Obey it.

This is a television. Obey it.

This is a piece of brownish material I found in my pocket.

This is a larger piece of plastic I found on EARTH.

Heavy handed.

This is a calender. It uses numbers to help you figure out where you are.

This is a pencil sharpener. You stick a pencil in it and trim it down to sharp, pointy perfection, no more of those dull pencils with no sense of duty responsibility self respect worship deeds.

A mighty magnet will pull us towards the center of the supermarket.

This is a dollar bill. It is to be your friend through all your days. This is a pillow. you sleep on it when you are tired and/or sedated by the bright, blinking lights that hover over you now as you awake in the hospital, old man, old shoe. To the bakery we go now, on a mighty march, let's cook.