Phone Abstinence is a safe alternative to phone sex. You call an attractive female, but instead of having intense sexual conversations with her, you sit in silence with her for a half hour. Then you hang up.

Phone Abstinence is popular in Christian compounds and the Vatican. It has been outlawed as "obscene" in places such as Las Vegas.

That's the end of this article. I hope you enjoyed it. I honestly, seriously do, because I typed it with my own two hands, and my elbow (in the case of the comma that came after "hands" in this sentence). Yes, I typed this article even though I had to use the bathroom. Urinate, in fact. So I really hoped you liked it. I really do. Really.