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Litvin
Impossible situp
"There's no kind of situp I can't do!"

Litvin's Impossible Situp was the legendary situp performed by Litvin (born 20 March 1971; Chicago, Illinois) in response to a dare by McKnight and Rieff in 2004.

Background Edit

There's no kind of situp I can't do, declared the defiant Litvin. In the prank-loving office culture of Harley's group, a claim this brash never goes unchallenged, and so the best minds set to work hatching a grand scheme.

The Prank Edit

Requirements Edit

The prank had to appeal to Litvin's competitive, macho nature, to lure him into a situation in which humiliation is inescapable and thorough. Yet the scenario had to seem plausible enough not to arouse suspicion. Achieving these contradictory ends was key to the whole endeavor, but how could the boys pull it off?

Design Edit

After numerous smoke-filled, shades-drawn meetings in Bucktown and Wrigleyville, a plan was contrived. Beautiful in simplicity, clever in design, it couldn't not work!

It was called ... Litvin's Impossible Situp.

Materials Edit

  • One towel
  • Two employees willing to risk bodily harm

Execution Edit

ImpossibleSitup

The quest for 90-degree glory

The next day, word began circulating of a new type of situp, indeed, a very strange type of situp, heard of by few and accomplished by fewer. The bait was now laid...

It was decided that Rieff would be "towelman" and McKnight would be "buttman". As the eager, unsuspecting Litvin lay prone awaiting his instructions, a towel was placed over his face. That's odd, Litvin remembers thinking, but hey, whatever it takes.

At the Go signal, Litvin's six-pack began a mighty contraction, accelerating his torso and head in a circular arc towards uncertain destiny. As Litvin neared the apex of his abdominally-facilitated journey, Rieff yanked the towel away to reveal a squatting McKnight's rapidly-approaching rear end. Deceleration was not an option; in a moment of sublime clarity, Litvin realized he must brace for impact...

Having subsisted on a week long diet of beans and cabbage in preparation for this very moment, McKnight let it rip, forcefully expelling the vilest cloud of God-awful stench, jolting Litvin's head backwards, and creating third-degree burns over much of Litvin's face. The execution was brilliant, the effect dramatic, the smell obnoxious.

Litvin cycled through a variety of beet-red hues and murder fantasies as a thunderous roar of laughter issued from the thirty-second floor.

Aftermath Edit

The experience created emotional trauma and left a lingering taste that no amount of Crest can combat.

In separate incidents, McKnight and office-prank historian McCabe were killed in their cubicles by high-speed footballs labeled "Litvin" on the morning of June 10, 2007. Investigators suspect a connection.

Societal Impact Edit

In popular culture, Litvin's impossible situp has entered into the lexicon, meaning an experience of supreme humiliation. The term is often used by Kenny Blankenship on the popular Spike TV show Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

"Litvin's Impossible Situp" was reprinted with permission from the Wall Street Journal.

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