These sinister characters sold their distorted stories to Disney, they may appear warm and fuzzy but they're packing heat!

CinderellaEdit

She actually had size ten hairy feet with fungal toenails.

DumboEdit

He was advertising Virgin Air during the movie as a favour to Richard Branston, having previously consumed his premium millionaire peanuts.

Snow WhiteEdit

She was a ravid computer geek, living in a basement away from sunlight. She surfaces in the night to buy hard liquor and paper clips.

Beauty and the BeastEdit

The "beauty" quite clearly had a bear/man crossbreed fetish.

PinnochioEdit

He was a puppet, the strings were edited out of the movie due to a low budget. When he "transformed" into a "real boy" what actually happened was the puppet was burned by angry mime artists and a small boy with a retractable nose had to take his place.

Lady and the Tramp Edit

A much over-exaggerated account of a posh woman being mugged, adapted into dog-form to avoid law-suits and keep in with the strange Disney idea that dangerous animals are more friendly to children than people.

RepunzelEdit

Had hair extensions, and a beard.

Fairy God MotherEdit

Was actually a confused hawk trapped under a wrinkly-oldie-person-lookie-like bed sheet and holding a voice changer in its beak.

7 DwarvesEdit

Kidnapped Snow White after her website spammed their computers.

The Big Bad WolfEdit

Was actually more often known as The Boring Law-abiding Wolf. He had asthma, smoked 50 cigarettes a day and being Jewish couldn't eat pork.

The three Little PigsEdit

They were cowboy builders who extorted pensioners by charging outrageous prices for terrible building work. Two of them were later killed by their shoddy building work after a disgruntled neighbour knocked on their doors causing their houses to collapse. The remaining pig eventually cleaned up his act; he has a wife and goes to church.

Little Red Riding HoodEdit

An infamous chavette who's hoody is permanently stained red with the blood of her victims. She once stabbed an ASBO.

GrandmaEdit

Well known for her wolf-like characteristics and excess facial hair. Often reverts to cannibalism to survive.

ShrekEdit

That's what happens if you eat the illogic pickle.