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"Are You Freaking Kidding Me?"
A novel in conversation.

dont slap me dylan the dick head Edit

Chapter 2 Edit

Johnny: Aw... Man... I can't do this on my own...
Mark: Conversation for hire?
Johnny: Where'd you find this job?
Mark: Oh, some guy named T3canolis posted an ad in the paper.
Johnny: God dammit, Canolis. You resulted to classifieds?
Mark: Well, how much is the pay?
Johnny: I dunno.
Mark: So what's this for? A Typical Conversation article?
Johnny: No, an epic.
Mark: What the hell? An epic in a conversation?
Johnny: I don't know how he'll pull it off...
Mark: Well, let's keep talkin' so he'll think he can do it.
Johnny: Great idea.
Mark: Yeah.
Johnny: So, why is your name also cliché?
Mark: Oh, the ad also said "Cliché names only".
Johnny: I'm on the verge of quitting Canolis...
Mark: Are you freaking kidding me?
Johnny: No, I am not freaking kidding you, shut up.
Mark: I'm sorry. I thought I was supposed to say that cause it's the article name...
Johnny: I know, it's a common misconception.
Mark: So where's our coffee?
Johnny: Coffee?
Mark: Well, I figured we'd get coffee with the job...
Johnny: No. He wasted the money for coffee on that ad.
Mark: Wow. This is news to me...
Johnny: Well, he needs some business management skills.
Mark: Well... I gotta say... I quit...
Johnny: Oh well f*** you.
Mark: Bye...

Chapter 3 Edit

Johnny: So, Canolis, what are we gonna do?
T3: Well, I'm flying a guy in from Europe.
Johnny: Who? Bobby or John, or maybe even Eric?
T3: No... his name is... Scott...
Johnny: What the hell man? Why couldn't you get a Lenny, or Reginald?
T3: Okay. I will ask him to change his name to Reginald, okay?
Johnny: Thanks.
T3: I'll put it on speaker.
Scott: Hello?
T3: Scott?
Scott: T3?
T3: Hey, can you change your name to Reginald?
Scott: What the f-. Oh my God ,Johnny! Why do you care?
T3: So where's your plane?
Scott: I'm almost there.
Johnny: Wait, how could he be almost here? Mark just quit.
T3: I had a feeling I would need another person.
Johnny: Even so, a British guy?
T3: Sorry Testicles... I couldn't help it...
Scott: What are you saying about Brits?
Johnny: Bye, bye...
T3: Dude? Why 'd you turn off the phone?
Johnny: C'mon, we all know we don't want the Awesomeland fiasco again.
T3: I guess you're right...
Johnny: So, why did you want to write an epic?:
T3: Because I say "epic" all the time so it would be according.
Johnny: Well, you never say it in articles.
T3: Shut up! I have a life outside of Illogicopedia!
Johnny: That's obvious 'cause if you didn't, your articles would be better...
T3: Why'd I pick you for the article?
Johnny: Because I was one of the few people to answer the ad...
T3: Scott's here so I don't have to talk to an @$$hole like you...
Johnny: Bye.... Your articles suck...

Chapter 4 Edit

Scott: Ello!
Johnny: No. It's "hello", "hello". Can you say an "H" sound?"
Scott: Sorry if I'm gettin' a knot in ya knickers.
Johnny: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?"
Scott: Eh, just cause it's the article name don't mean ya have te say it.
Johnny: God dammit that's my line!
Scott: Wow, this is more painful than The OMG Scary Alien.
Johnny: Oh my God, we agree on something!
Scott: I know! T3canolis is the worst Illogicopedian ever.
Johnny: I totally agree.
Scott: He sucks so bad!
Johnny: Imagine if he ever wins Illogicopedian of the Month..
Scott: I know, that will NEVER happen, ha ha.
Johnny: It's like he tries so hard. But he never gets a feature.
Scott: I know. He thinks his article Toast is so good. It sucks.
Johnny: Imagine if THAT gets featured.
Scott: Haha, I know.
Johnny: Oh my god, I hate his articles..
Scott: I know! Have you read Kaboomy!?
Johnny: I know! It was even deemed an epic fail!
Scott: Have you seen his attempts at writing music?
Johnny: I know! You got Pwnd! was pitiful.
Scott: Hey! I've got a great idea!
Johnny: Wha?
Scott: We should make a hate club.
Johnny: I totally agree.
Scott: Yeah! Yeah! Oh... Darnit... It seems I've soiled my knickers.
Johnny: Uh.... Front or back...
Scott: Uh... back...
Johnny: Oh my god! Get me someone else!

Chapter 5 Edit

T3: I'm sorry. I can't get you a guy in person so I got you a guy over the Net.
Johnny: What's his name?
T3: It says his first name is l337.
Johnny: You gotta be s***in' me.
T3: What? I thought you wanted exotic names?
Johnny: Do you know what l337 is?
T3: Uh... a Russian name?
Johnny: Stupid Canolis! He's an internet speak guy.
T3: Sorry, already connected...
l337: hlo. how ru
Johnny: Good.
l337: i do nt undrstnd teh lnguge u spk
T3: I told you he was Russian!
Johnny: No, he speaks l337 as a first language.
l337: ?
Johnny: Ugh... kk wat do u wnt
l337 2 tlk 2 u
Johnny: kk wat do u wnt 2 tlk abot
l337: WoW
T3: What's WoW.
Johnny: World of Warcraft
T3: Okay. Keep going.
Johnny: so u ply WoW wats ur race
l337: im n orc cuz teir gren
Johnny: wat lvl?
l337: 6 bt i dnt no y cuz teh enymes wnt gve me exp
Johnny: u hve 2 leve teh furst area
l337: wat wuz tat lst wrd
Johnny: sry, ara
l337: o i c
Johnny: do u hve aim
l337: yea, lol
Johnny: u wanna tlk on it
l337: yea bt furst lt me say teh roflmao creed
T3: Holy crap! I need to end the chat!
Johnny: Why?
T3: He's... the ROFLMAO Guy!
Johnny: Whose he? He's not in an article you wrote.
T3: I know. I wrote about him on IllogiBooks:Biographies.
Johnny: Oh my god it's him!
T3: I know. How about another guest?
Johnny: Okay... okay...

Chapter 6 Edit

T3: Okay. I got you a dead guy.
Johnny: Are you freaking kidding me?
T3: No his name is A. Dead-Guy.
Johnny: Oh. So he's not really dead.
T3: No, he is. I reanimated him yesterday. He kinda smells from decomposistion.
Johnny: How long was he dead?
T3: Thirty-five seconds. But had to kill someone to do it.
Johnny: Oh! So your like the guy from that show "Pushing Daisies".
T3: No. I had to kill the guard in front of his body. What's "Pushing Daisies anyway?
Johnny: Nevemind... Bring him in...
A: Hey! What's up?
Johnny: So... How'd you die?
A: I'm dead? Aw dang... Must be the LSD again...
Johnny: I'll take that as you died from an overdose.
A: No way! That means I'm like the a total stoner rocker! Sweet!
Johnny: Wow... You're retarded...
A: That's semi-retarded...
Johnny: Are you sure it's not just the drugs?
A: Hey! You called me retarted in the first place!
Johnny: So who named you A?
A: My mama and pop 'o' course!
Johnny: Lemme rephrase that. Why did they name you A?
A: My pop was high as Mount Rushmore... I mean Big Ben... when he named me.
Johnny: So you smell alot.
A: Aw shucks. I'm sorry. I took so much coke in college I can't smell no more.
Johnny: So you upgraded from coke to LSD?
A: Yeah. What would I do? Downgrade.
Johnny: No... Just not take drugs.
A: Ugh...
Johnny: S*** I think he's officially dead...
T3: Okay. I'll get the body out of here. Ugh. Phew it's out.
Johnny: Okay. Who's the next guest?
T3: A buddy of mine.
Johnny: Who?
T3: JaqueSmith323.
Johnny: Oh crap! Not that Frenchie from the "No-Scope" series!
T3: Didn't you read the third one?
Johnny: There's a thir-..... Okay, I just did. Thank god he speaks English.
T3: I know. I was leading up to that all series.
Johnny: Wait. It's not true?
T3: Heck no! I'm the worst no-scoper to ever live.
Johnny: Are you freaking kidding me?

Chapter 7 Edit

Jauqe: Wazzup?
Johnny: Nothin' much; you?
Jauqe: Eh.. 'Sall good.
Johnny: So you went from gay Frenchie.. to gangsta?
Jauqe: Yeah, dawg. Ya feel me man?
Johnny: No I don't feel you.
Jauqe: Really? I'm touching your forehead.
Johnny: Oh... I thought you meant.. nevermind.
Jauqe: Man. I gotta admit this is crampin' my style, T3. I was playin' Halo 3.
T3: I was playin' Halo 3. See I was playing Halo 3. Hangin out with Master Che-
Jauqe: What the hell is that?
T3: Uh... YouTube... James@War... Parody... Nevermind...
Jauqe: Man, why you be wasting yo time on YouTube man. Dats all you do.
T3: Uh.. no..
Jauqe: Man, all you do is go on Illogicopedia and YouTube. Get a life, dawg.
T3: Hey all you do is play Halo 3.
Jauqe: Yeah but I play Halo alot, and I'm good. You go on Illogicopedia alot. And you-
T3: Okay, okay, my articles suck I've heard that enough today.
Jauqe: You mean tonight. It's 9:43 and your sitting in front of a laptop.
T3: Why'd I even butt in?
Jauqe: I dunno. Maybe cause your ugly.
Johnny: What the crap?
Jauqe: Stay outta this ya f*gg.
Johnny: How'd... how'd ya know?
T3: Are you freaking kidding me?
Johnny: Just becau-
T3: We know! Just cause it's the title. Blah, blah. I'm writing all of this. I control you.
Jauqe: What do you mean?
T3: I made you up. You're nobody. I'm writing this. You have no control.
Johnny: Well, if you control us. Why did you make fun of your articles?
T3: Uh... uh... uh...
Jauqe: I'm gone dawg. I ain't neva playin' Halo wit chu.

Chapter.. uh... 8.. yeah! Chapter 8! Edit

T3: Why are you still here?
Johnny: I don't know...
T3: I'm suprised. Even after Jauqe's gay slur.
Johnny: F*** him.
T3: I know ya f*gg. Aw s*** I said it.
Johnny: Oh my god! Now I'm leaving! Ugh! I hate you! You ruin my life! Uh!!
T3: Stop cryin' and leave.
Johnny: Fine! I'm leaving!
T3: Okay... Who will I have a conversation with... Oo! How about another user!
T3: Okay... Who can I talk to... TReich, no. Hindle, no. Seppy, no. Bob, no. Ugh.
T3: Oh. There's one user I can talk to! Aw... It's M-WoW513... I'll talk to myself...
T31: Hello.
T32: Hey what's up self?
T31: So am I you or...
T32: I don't know...
T31: Ya know, I'm gonna have to kill you.
T3: Ah... That's much better. So what should I do...
Ring! Ring!'
T3: Ooo! My phone!
T3: Oh! It's dxpenguinman!
T3: Helloo! Uh-huh. What? It's not even out. 5 million dollars? Ugh.. Ah... Bye...
T3: Oh no! He's suing me for using the concept of his article!
T3: Ya know. Interviewing Yourself.
T3: He wants 5 million dollars.
T3: Oh crap!!!
T3: Ugh! Lemme get a guest..

Chapter 9 Edit

T3: Hello Mr. Serial Killer thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Mr. S: My pleasure
T3: So what's your profession?
Mr. S: I'm a butcher.
T3: Oooo... A German butcher?
Mr. S: No. A human butcher.
T3: Is that some Middle Easter butchery?
Mr. S: It can be.
T3: Can I order some sausages?
Mr. S: Certaintly but I might need your help.
T3: Why?
Mr. S: Well, there's a shortage of meat...
T3: Oh! Well what do you do with the meat.
Mr. S: Eat it. And I drink the blood.
T3: Oo! Exotic!
Mr. S: By the way my real name is Count Drack Yula in case you wanted to know.
T3: Oo! That sounds cool. Wait..
Mr. S: What?
T3: You kill people, drink blood, your name is Dracula and... Oh s***.
T3: Ah... thank god I had this garlic-covered stake in my hand... Yikes...
T3: Man, I gotta tell someone about this.
T3: I'm gonna call a random number! Hm... 1-324-649-3400.
T3: It's ringing! It's ringing! Hello? Yeah! I almost got killed by Dra-... What? How?
T3: Agh!! He said he's coming here and he wants to eat my babies! AH!!!!

Chapter 10 Edit

T3: Oh crap he's here!
Guy: Hello, PRANK CALLER...
T3: Don't eat my babies!
Guy: Shut up. You probably don't have any babies.
T3: So wha, what are you gonna eat?
Guy: I don't know... You?
T3: Come on! Two cannibals in a row? Jeez...
Guy: So, what's your name?
T3: Uh... uh... uh.... T3canolis...
Guy: Oh my god! T3canolis from Illogicopedia! I love your articles!
T3: Re-really?
Guy: Yeah! I loved Toast!
T3: Why does everyone like Toast? The author thought it wasn't funny...
Guy: I cried when The OMG Scary Alien lost in VFH...
T3: So did I! So did I!
Guy: I love your articles SO much!
T3: What's your name?
Guy: Reginald.
T3: Haha, Johnny left a little early!
Guy: You do realize no Illogicopedian has the attention span to read this?
T3: Uh... then who could read User:Testostereich/Digging A Hole.
Guy: Well... cause that's good...
T3: I thought you said you loved my articles...
Guy: Yeah... but this one sucks....
T3: You're lying!!! NO!!!
Guy: I wish I was...
T3: No!! I hate you!
Guy: Woah, woah. Don't go all emo.
T3: Just, just leave...
Guy: Okay... Bye...

Chapter 11 Edit

Johnny: I heard you say there was a guy named Reginald! Where?
T3: Ugh... he left...
Johnny: Turn that frown upside down!
T3: I thought you hated me?
Johnny: I do, I do, but I've always wanted to say that.
T3: So, can I get you someone to talk to?
Johnny: Okay...
T3: I'll get you The OMG Scary Alien.
TOMGSA: What's up Canolis?
T3: Nothin' much man, You?
TOMGSA: Nuttin' much! So why am I here?
T3: I need you to talk to someone.
TOMGSA: You mean this-
T3: Stop there. Watch what you say.
TOMGSA: Okay... I guess I can work this into my schedule. With movies and all...
Johnny: So... OMG Scary Alien... How are you doing?
TOMGSA: Good... So this is supposed to be an epic? Right?
T3: Yeah.
TOMGSA: Are you freaking kidding me?
T3: No...
TOMGSA: You wrote me and I think that's a crappy idea, man! What you doin'?
Johnny: I know it sucks...
TOMGSA: And the name? Are you freaking kidding me? Are you freaking kidding me?
T3: That was a horrible pun..
TOMGSA: I don't care!
T3: Want me to send you back to your home planet? Would ya like that?
TOMGSA: I'm shutting up...
Johnny: Jeez. Why are all your characters so annoying in person?
T3: I don't know...
Johnny: What about Toast?
T3: He's dead...
Johnny: Wha? How?
T3: Oh my god! Read the end of my articles! Jesus!
TOMGSA: At least I'm not dead!
T3: Hey. Ya want me to edit that?
TOMGSA: No... no... AH!!!
Johnny: Wow... He just ran away...

Chapter 12 Edit

Johnny: So what character are ya gonna bring in now?
T3: My cyclops friend Bob...
Johnny: No... not Bob, the One-Eyed Guy... Your first article...
T3: Sorry.. He's here...
Bob: Hey! Where are you?
Johnny: Woah.. he's blind?
T3: READ UNTIL THE END
Johnny: Sorry...
Bob: So.. Mr. Canolis... Why does my article suck so bad?
T3: Because it was my first article and I didn't spend much time on it.
Bob: Doe-.. Does that mean... Does that mean you don't love me?
T3: You're a blind cyclops. Who the hell would love you?
Bob: Good point but why can't you improve my article?
T3: I don't feel like it.
Bob: Where'd you get the idea for me?
T3: It was inspired off of a story I wrote a year or two ago.
Bob: What was it called?
T3: What do ya think?
Bob: I see.
Johnny: You're blind.
Bob: Stop making fun of me!!! WAH!!!
T3: Stop crying ya baby.
Johnny: You made him a baby.
T3: Shut up. I made you gay.
Johnny: Good comeback but how do we get him out of here?
T3: Why ya askin' me for?
Johnny: Cause your the author
T3: Oh yeah. Lets try to lift him.
Johnny: One... Two... Three...
BANG
Johnny: Crap he smothered T3...
Bob: No... he's dead! He's dead!!!!

This article hasn't been dedicated to T3canolis, ?-2008.

THE END

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